Emotional regulation. Are you in charge of your emotions, or are your emotions in charge of you?
It’s not about bulldozing our feelings. It’s learning to sit with them, without letting them drive the bus
Do you know someone in your life whose emotions are in charge of them, rather than them being in charge of their emotions?
It’s pretty unsettling to be around people like this. They sort of spray their unwanted and uncomfortable emotions all over you because they are not taking responsibility for regulating, processing and being with them, themselves.
This is a perfect example of someone who’s emotions are in charge of them.
It’s a very reactive, disempowering way to live, and exhausting for those living closest to them.
Emotional regulation
Emotional regulation is a fancy phrase. How on earth do we regulate our emotions?
Well, let’s be honest, it’s probably a good reminder for us all to keep getting better at self regulation. After all, negative emotions are disruptive. They can interfere with our happiness, productivity, and relationships.
A key aspect of living a satisfying life and getting along with others is to be able to manage our emotions and behaviour even in times of stress. According to research by Harvard Medical School, self-regulation is the act of controlling our behaviours, thoughts, emotions, choices, and impulses.
Self-regulation skills help us:
Keep negative emotions in check and think before we react.
When confronted with distressing or challenging situations, people with a strong ability to self-regulate can maintain a measured outlook and respond with thoughtfulness and maturity.
As well, people with good emotion regulation skills tend to have healthier behaviours and better overall health.
Understanding fear. And the art of co-existing with it
Our emotions are signals trying to guide us toward something better.
The problem is we have an entire industry (the medical model and pharmaceutical industry) that profits from keeping us afraid of our own emotions. To have autonomy over our emotions, and our wellness, and our life (!) is to be willing to be with the discomfort of them.
Let’s look at fear. Fear is not the enemy; fear is our friend.
Fear is just energy trying to move through you and to remind you to take action. If you try to block it, numb it, control it, avoid it - you don’t alchemise fear into courage - you stay living in fear.
Therefore, in this sense, regulating our emotions is more about what you don’t do.
Of course, we all need a bit of help from time to time. A regular meditation, or yoga practice can help you develop a better ‘dealing with stress’ baseline for when inevitable stressors turn up in life. You might even learn to have a few things up your sleeve like some yogic breathing, some inner dialogue to self sooth, and some robust wisdom to get yourself out the door for a walk.
In the end, all these practices are teaching you the same thing: to be able to have the inner strength to co-exist with the difficult emotion.
“Everyone who has ever done anything meaningful has learnt this secret. Not the absence of fear, but the alchemy of it. The transformation of raw fear into pure life force.” - Dr. Roger McFillin, Clinical Psychologist & founder of the Conscious Clinician Collective
Becoming emotionally strong
Someone who is emotionally strong, is not someone who doesn’t have difficult emotions – they’ve just learnt to be with them.
Healing, or being well in our body and mind, isn’t about bulldozing our feelings. It’s learning to sit with them, without letting them drive the bus. Our modern society has become particularly good at convincing us it’s better to numb, to medicate and to ‘get rid of’ rather than learn to be with our difficult emotions. I wonder what the brave Stoic leaders would have said about this approach? What about the hero’s journey, and slaying the dragon?
Despite our greatest efforts, there is no ‘hack’ for building inner emotional resilience. The only way, is through.
Perhaps the real question to ask ourselves is this…
In a moment of emotional turmoil rather than jump to soothe it, numb it, splurge it on others…or can I be with it?
You can even bring those emotions along in the back seat of the car.
But remember, you are in the drivers seat.
About Jo Jarden
Jo Jarden is a personal trainer, yoga teacher, and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio 54 Holmwood Road, Merivale, Christchurch.
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She has 12 year's experience as personal trainer, yoga teacher, and workshop facilitator including working with:
Business executives
Gyms, group yoga & fitness classes
Farmers and rural settings
Workplace retreats, events, and conferences
Her approach combines both body and mind practices to help people boost their health and general feelings of positivity. She utilises the combination of ancient yoga wisdom and wellbeing science techniques to help people release tension and grow their inner strengths.
Qualifications include:
Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005
Contact: jo@heartandmindyoga.co.nz, 022 125 3011.