How I reframed thinking about confidence
The confidence trap
People think they can’t take action until they are confident. When it comes to taking action in the direction of your desired life goals, this mindset is a trap.
Psychiatrist Phil Stutz explains how the idea of waiting to get enough confidence before you can move forward in your life, is paralyzing people. It’s a popular mainstream idea that you should– ‘just believe in yourself’, ‘have confidence.’ We see it splattered all over our screens and it infects our consciousness as we stay passive doom scrolling through Instagram waiting for confidence to arrive someday.
You might have also noticed the growing tendency of people ‘manifesting’ great wealth, and dream lifestyles, and ‘the perfect married life.’ There’s nothing wrong with having all this, however, many people tend to manifest from a place of their unmet needs. In other words, they haven’t taken time to reflect and unravel the stories keeping them caged and living out the scripts of what their parents expected of them, and the societal expectations of ‘who they should be’ - so they are trying to build a life based on someone else’s idea of success. They may talk of ‘living the dream’ but they lack true depth and wisdom, quiet humbleness, and the inner steadiness that comes with living a life that’s aligned to their own truth.
True confidence cannot be gained through procrastination and playing it safe, waiting for the perfect moment, copying someone else’s idea of success, or wishful thinking. Nor can it be gained by jumping straight to the ‘confidence’ part without the ‘getting your knees dirty part’ of taking action over and over again.
A healthier way to gain confidence
The confidence pyramid
In his confidence pyramid model, Stutz explains a healthier way to look at the world. I have drawn my own image here based on an explanation I heard from him in this interview with Rich Roll. At the base of the pyramid is faith, second action, third confidence.
Confidence comes by repeating a pattern over and over
To have confidence, you first have to take action. Confidence comes by repeating a pattern over and over. Once you can act, then you become confident.
So how do we take action when are worried it won’t work out, or feel we couldn’t possibly have the confidence to do such a brave thing?
Well, you must have an inner knowing. A trust in yourself, and in the world around you. The yogis use terms like ‘trust in universe.” Stutz uses the term faith – he means not so much faith as in ‘religion’ - but more making a choice to trust that it will work out, even though you really don’t know.
People often want to look at the world the other way around – they believe that you have to have the confidence first. Having faith seems impossible to them because they have a mindset of’ nothing is true unless you can prove it to me.’
To have true confidence you have to choose to have faith or a belief it work out, for no reason. This ability, to have a deep knowing and inner trust in yourself and the world around you, leads you take action…and confidence will follow.
“How often in life we compete a task that was beyond the capability of the person we were when we started it” – Robert Brault
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Jo Jarden is a personal trainer, yoga teacher, and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio 54 Holmwood Road, Merivale, Christchurch. She has 12 year's experience as personal trainer, yoga teacher, and workshop facilitator including working with:
Business executives
Gyms, group yoga & fitness classes
Farmers and rural settings
Workplace retreats, events, and conferences
Her approach combines both body and mind practices to help people boost their health and general feelings of positivity. She utilises the combination of ancient yoga wisdom and wellbeing science techniques to help people release tension and grow their inner strengths.
Qualifications include:
Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005