How to deal with Emotionally Immature people

Do you have people in your life that never seem to understand you or hear you?

Or they are causing pain in your life and they don’t seem to understand the impact they are having?

Or you have that person in your life who just loves to only see things in terms of ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ so that every interaction is stressful and you always come away wishing you’d done better.

You are most likely dealing with an emotionally immature person.

To help us get better at dealing with people like this, and to help see these traits in ourselves too, I thought I’d share what I learnt reading some helpful advice from Dr Nicole Lipera, The Holistic Psychologicst. This really resonated with me and explained situations I’ve been through that I struggled to make sense of. So;

1) What is emotional maturity, and

2) How do we interact with an emotionally immature person

1.What is emotional maturity?

Firstly, emotional maturity has nothing to do with age. Emotional maturity has to do with our ability to:

  • Self-regulate

  • Self-reflect

  • Hold space for the emotions of other people

Signs someone is emotionally immature

In short, someone who is emotionally immature has the following tendencies:

  • They have mastered their ability to blame others

  • They struggle to self-reflect and see their own role

  • They’re highly emotionally reactive and uncomfortable with their own emotions

  • They can’t hold space for another person’s feelings

The main tendency is their ability to deflect

They have mastered their ability to shift the focus from themselves on to others as a coping mechanism to avoid their own shame.

You might notice this in your conversations with these people. Deflection specifically looks like:

  • Dominating conversations

  • Getting the focus off themselves (distraction)

  • Interrupting or cutting someone off

  • Making passive aggressive comments

  • Shutting down or ignoring issues

Often we go into ‘fixer’ or explainer mode

It can feel confusing and exhausting dealing with an emotionally immature person and can make us desperately want them to see their impact on us.

The reality is, we can’t get someone to see what they are not willing to see.

People who lack emotional maturity are not willing or able to see their role because they are not able to self-reflect.

2. How to respond

1.  Don’t try to be heard

If someone constantly invalidates your feelings, it’s a sign they are not capable of holding space for them.

2.  Allow them to be committed to misunderstanding you

Emotionally immature people get a rise and a sense of connection from conflict (I know…very bizarre!). They will look for conflict, often to the point where it’s a full on ‘right or wrong’ heated debate.

You do not need to engage. Instead, picture a child when you start to feel overwhelmed. Many people have the emotional maturity of a small child. This is helpful to remind you to keep calm, to self-regulate and stay compassionate (if you can!), just as you would for a child having a tantrum.

3. ‘I’ll think about it’

Emotionally immature people are highly opinionated and like to push their opinions onto other people. They can also be quite impulsive. Rather than instantly agreeing or entering the debate (remember they want you to!) try neutralising the interaction with this saying. ‘I’ll think about it”. Or slow them down a bit with “I’ll get back to you about that plan”.

4.  Don’t expect emotional support

This can be painful if the person is a parent or close friend. Emotionally immature people struggle with their own emotions so won’t be able to support yours.

Something I’ve personally found helpful is the idea of ‘re-parenting’. Give yourself the kind of emotional support you wish you had as a child.

This is essentially what it means to break the cycle – to move from the child mentality to the adult mentality. We take full responsibility by firstly becoming aware of their patterns, then choosing how we respond.

We can’t expect other people to change, but we can choose how we respond.

5.  Making boundaries allows you to flourish

It is possible to navigate a healthier relationship  with these people in our lives, but it will take strength from you – it will take boundaries. We can, after all, determine how much of a role these people play in our own lives.

And from my experience, the more you make boundaries, the more you have time to focus on your own life vision, your purpose, and bringing to this world your own gifts, rather than letting others take advantage of your gifts.

6. Lastly, find ‘your people’

People who are able to listen to you with an open, non-judgemental mind, and see you for who you really are. Prioritize your time with them.

The world needs your unique gifts. The gift of who you are. Not what others want you to be to satisfy their own needs. Look after your unique gifts.

Much love and encouragement,

Jo

Jo Jarden is a health coach, yoga teacher, personal trainer and founder of Heart and Mind Yoga, 147 Papanui Road, Christchurch New Zealand. She helps people find mental peace, physical vitality and to live with purpose.

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