Death can transform your daily life, help you make better choices, and lead to a more fulfilling existence

After attending the funeral for my aunty a couple of weeks back, I have been reflecting on the ways we seem to deal with death in our society. How on earth do we ‘move on’ after loosing someone so close to us? I notice my ruminating mind, trying to make sense of it all (without much luck!), replaying the ‘what if’s’ and ‘if onlys’….and then I start to ask myself, how is this really helping me?

Paradoxically, it also got me thinking about life – and how to live a good life.

I notice how our in our society we seem to lack a connection to anything deeper than the physical body and our worldly achievements. We don’t stop and ask ourself - who am I really, beyond my good looks, and beyond the labels and roles I play? What is truly a successful life for me? Am I living in alignment to my truth, or am I living my life based on who others said I should be?

We over-value the material world with our simplistic modernistic thinking, lacking the wisdom needed to live a rich fulfilling life. We are materially rich, but our souls are sick. We flounder around grasping externally for fulfilment in our jobs and pleasing our families, and in the latest political event in the news, rather than looking inward, growing and evolving, and becoming a leader ourselves. We don’t stop and question who we truly are, what our core moral values are, what are our unique gifts, and what makes us truly come alive - beyond the constraints of society norms and stories from our upbringing.

After reading the article Memento Mori: Why Thinking About Death Makes Life Better by StoicWisdoms I thought I’d share some of the key Stoic insights, along with some of the wellbeing science, as a way of reframing death - and how embracing our mortality can actually help us live more enriched, full, meaningful lives with purpose – if we choose.

Embrace mortality

Life and death are part of the same thing. To experience life fully, is to know and accept that we die.

Interestingly we seem to live in a world that’s built on avoiding death. We buy anti-aging creams, we botox our lips, we hide our elderly in rest homes, and we even use words like ‘passed away’ because we are afraid to say ‘died.’

The majority of people live in fear of death. But the real part to be concerned about, is a life not lived fully. It’s scary to try live out our dreams, but its even scarier to let them die within us. Research conducted on the ‘Regrets of the Dying’ by Bronnie Ware revealed that people at the end of their life regretted not what they had done, but more what they had not done in their life - indicating to those of us that still have time, to take more chances, and live more courageously.

When the Dalai Lama was asked ‘what surprises him most about man?’ he said:

“He lives as if he’s never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

How death awareness changes everything

After my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly 13 years ago, when she was 55 years old, it made me live my life more fully and reminded me to not put the important things aside. It made me appreciate that we are all going to die - not so much in a scary morbid way, but as a ‘wake-up call’ to live life fully.

At the age of 29, I became more courageous, and started putting my own priorities first, instead of always doing what others say is ‘a good and successful life’. I questioned needing to buy a house, having to have a mortgage, working the Monday-Friday job, and the all the social norms around marriage, kids, and being a ‘good woman’ in our society. Basically I asked myself – if I could live life on my own terms, more in alignment to my unique gifts and talents, what would that look like? How could I prioritise my health and wellness even if that means upsetting others? It lead me down the path of living a more meaningful, values-based life, a life where I’m physically, mentally and spiritually more fulfilled and living with purpose (Read more here on how I broke free from the caged life).

Use death as our advisor - lessons from ancient wisdom and the science

As the Stoic philosopher Seneca taught, when we stop running from death and instead use it as our advisor, we experience many benefits, including:

1. You start seeing time differently - you realise the gift of this moment. Ask yourself, if this was my last day, would I be proud of how I’m planning to spend it? Make that doctors appointment you’ve been putting off, walk up the hill even though you know it’s not going to be easy. Small actions matter.

2. Your priorities become very clear - you start making time for what really matters to you, rather than tending to the priorities of those around you. You start saying no a lot. Do you know your purpose? Once you know your direction, why you’re here, its easier to make daily choices that align with that (and those that do not). Read more here on how to find clarity of your life’s purpose.

3. You start enjoying life more – You get a sense of delight in the mysteries of the universe. You get out in nature and start to get curious about the cloud formations, the brightness of the tree leaves. If we are always living in mentality of time famine, we rob our ability to experience these wonders.

Research has also found the many benefits of contemplating death. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology found that people who regularly contemplated their mortality reported:

Higher levels of gratitude
Stronger appreciation for life
Better perspective on daily challenges
Increased motivation to pursue meaningful goals
Deeper connections with others

As well, research from Harvard Medical School shows that contemplating mortality can lead to:

Better decision making, including the ability to distinguish between important and trivial matters
Increased courage to make necessary life changes
Improved long-term planning abilities
Greater alignment between values and actions
Reduced anxiety about minor problems
Increased present moment awareness
Better stress management
Enhanced appreciation for daily experiences
More meaningful use of time
Better health choices

Try this personal enquiry – ‘Die before you die’

To live a life lived fully, means to let go of all the roles and responsibilities, the stories about who you ‘should be’, which are keeping you ‘caged’ or limited.

Many of us have fallen captive to these societal norms, the judgements and expectations of others - believing that financial wealth, social status, pleasing our family, and looking like the people in the Instagram bikini life will bring us happiness and success.

The path to true fulfilment and freedom is to die to the idea of yourself, so that you can shed the layers of conditioning about who you think you need to be to be ‘successful’ to fit in’ to be loved and validated, so that your true essence can reveal itself. This is why the yogis say the path to freedom and true contentment and joy is not about needing more, getting more, and achieving more, but more about letting go.

Try asking your self these questions and see what comes up for you:

If no one knew of you, and there were no limits, what would you do with your life? What type of person do you need to become? What growth, skills challenges would be part of this?
A morning reflection – if today were my last day, would I be happy with how I’m planning to spend it? Set one meaningful intention based on this.
When faced with decisions, pause and ask, will this matter in 5 years? Let this question guide you toward long term satisfaction.
Before bed, write down one small step you took today that aligned with how you’d want to be remembered. Notice the impact of these daily choices on your life’s bigger picture.
Gratitude – Notice 3 things you’ve done well today, or things you’re thankful for that you’d otherwise overlook. Use your 5 senses to cultivate a deeper appreciation for the present moment.

“It’s not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing” – Seneca

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Jo Jarden is a personal trainer, yoga teacher, and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio 54 Holmwood Road, Merivale, Christchurch. She has 12 year's experience as personal trainer, yoga teacher, and workshop facilitator including working with:

Business executives
Gyms, group yoga & fitness classes
Farmers and rural settings
Workplace retreats, events, and conferences

Her approach combines both body and mind practices to help people boost their health and general feelings of positivity. She utilises the combination of ancient yoga wisdom and wellbeing science techniques to help people release tension and grow their inner strengths.

Qualifications include:

Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005

How to rethink death for a life lived fully