Our fetish for over-connecting
According to psychological theory people have a fundamental need for both social connection (a sense of belonging) and autonomy (being independent and making your own choices). It’s about getting the balance right, but I wonder if there is now a bias towards to widespread over-connecting?
Recently, I’ve been spending plenty of time alone reflecting on who I am and what my unique direction in life is.
I’ve come to believe, the real wonders of life, unexpected encounters, and the true rewards are often experienced in solitude. After all, how can you truly appreciate your surrounds if all your energy is going into obsessing over other people and what they are doing or not doing?
To be fair, this is something I’ve had to work on myself over the past 10 years – to be OK in my own company. As a culture we’ve kind of had it ‘bashed into us’ throughout our upbringing and from our consumerist culture around us - to connect, connect, connect. But we only connect with others, and not with our true essence…and definitely not with the true nature of reality.
Social connections with ‘loved ones’ are touted as the only path to wellbeing.
Of course, some quality connection in our life is important. To be clear, there are some cases where too much solitude is unhealthy – such as sitting in a room playing video games all day. But the real issue, that I think is the ‘elephant in the room’ here, is our lack of quality connection. To have quality connection with others in our life, we first need to have a quality connection with ourselves.
And this is what most people resist.
The French philosopher Blaise Pascal said in the 15th century, “All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone”. It’s clear from all the global upheaval today that this sentiment is as true as ever.
Our brains need time to rest, to recover and let the ‘dust settle’. Instead, we are all exhausted from over-connecting, keeping up with ‘non-negotiable’ social functions, and not to mention the endless online demands to add to that.
We seek external distractions to avoid our own thoughts and curiosity about our true essence
Instead, how could we build more time into our lives to have quality time alone?
Don’t overshare. Keep some of the best things that you do, just for you. Enjoy them for their own sake, not because they might get some ‘likes’ from others.
Take up a meditation practice. Find a teacher. Make it a regular habit. The benefits from simply having dedicated time being aware of what’s going on in your thoughts and feelings have been shown over and over again through scientific studies.
If you are feeling a void in your life, don’t immediately jump in and get a dog for company (or another dog), or think that right now, finding an intimate relationship will fill the void. Do some inquiry to discover this what this void is about.
Question whether your social connection with family needs to be the answer to everything. Families can provide great comfort, but they can also place expectations upon us that stop us from growing. Often, they reinforce childhood stories that we need to let go of and grow out of.
an opportunity for better health
Time in solitude helps us find true fulfilment
In the end, most people are looking for the same thing – inner contentment, joy, and fulfilment.
Being in our own company whether it being a solo hiking trip, or just being able to sit in a quiet room alone allows us to confront fears, insecurities, and unresolved issues. It is in this solitary moment that a person has the opportunity to observe their thoughts, their mental tendencies, and exploring their dreams, and true desires. Without this introspective practice, we tend to unknowingly carry our ‘miseries’ within – as Pascal puts it - which only perpetuates a cycle of dissatisfaction and unfulfillment.
This is what it means to practice yoga, and mindfulness. We practice being fully present in the moment and aware of our thoughts and emotions, without judgment. It is the art of being consciously engaged with ourselves and our immediate surroundings. In a world bombarded by constant noise and stimulation, this idea, of detaching from external stimuli and finding inner peace becomes increasingly vital.
Loneliness, the unknown, & discomfort is the opportunity
The yogis would say, ‘What’s in the way, is the way.’ Are you scared of the unknown? Learn to embrace the unknown. Are you scared of discomfort? Learn to embrace discomfort. Are you scared of life without a partner, a dog, a busy family life? Take a solo mission, an afternoon to walk the hills, or even a weekend away. Practice being in your own company.
Learn to be alone and to like it. There is nothing more freeing and empowering than learning to like your own company.
“If you can fall in love with yourself and love yourself when your by yourself then you can be with others. If you don’t like yourself when you’re by yourself, then you’re pulling on others to make you happy. “
- Michael Beckwith
Time in solitude makes the world a better place
The Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh once said “If we want to peace, we have to be peace. Peace is a practice and not a hope.”
Rather than looking for it externally, we turn it into a practice, to be the change we want to see in the world.
“Although I am a typical loner in my daily life, my awareness of belonging to the invisible community of those who strive for truth, beauty, and justice has prevented me from feelings of isolation” - Albert Einstein
*Learn more about finding true inner fulfilment at one of Jo’s upcoming events (Click on the image for more info and to book).
Jo Jarden is a personal trainer, yoga teacher, and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio 54 Holmwood Road, Merivale, Christchurch. She has 12 year's experience as personal trainer, yoga teacher, and workshop facilitator including working with:
Business executives
Gyms, group yoga & fitness classes
Farmers and rural settings
Workplace retreats, events, and conferences
Her approach combines both body and mind practices to help people boost their health and general feelings of positivity. She utilises the combination of ancient yoga wisdom and wellbeing science techniques to help people release tension and grow their inner strengths.
Qualifications include:
Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005