Over the last few years I've significantly changed how I socialise. I've changed how much I socialise and the way I socialise. I've really noticed a difference in my energy and my personal progress with my own health and well-being. Mental health literature and experts often refer to need to have meaningful relationships for good health and longevity. But what does this mean for you? Who should we be interacting with? How much socialising is appropriate?

Here's some harsh truths I've asked myself which have helped me reorganise how I socialise. I thought Id share for those interested in working towards a more fulfilling social life.

Does your socialising drain you or energise you?

Are you hanging out with people who really light you up? Or do you feel exhausted after catching up with a bunch of your 'friends', and you cant wait to get home to your cuppa tea?

I used to have Friday after work drinks on Ponsonby Road, or the odd tinder date. These days I choose to have quiet time, in nature, or with other yogis seeking a more meaningful life. I value the importance of ‘topping up my own wellbeing’ through nourishing my sensitive nature with inspiring wellbeing books/podcasts and walks in the hills in solitude. I dont see it as ‘alone time’ - but more ‘enjoying my own company’. It took quite a bit of careful cultivating to come to this point, but over time I just said 'no' to more and more invites with city friends for after work drinks. I just got to a stage where I realised small talk over a $15 glass of wine about how my friend had just been 'dumped' by some guy was just so boring.

I also love adventure - and meeting other adventurous souls. I love to learn about how people live in other countries. I like to find out what kind of adventure they are on, I like to hear their struggles and their joys. I like to get curious about what makes people tick. Surely this is more meaningful than the latest political saga on the news? Why not enjoy everything on offer in the present moment, with the people around you, having real conversations about real-life adventures. This feels like healthy and fulfilling socialising for me.

I created boundaries to allow more time to carve out 'me time.'

As a result I've had more time to inject things I am more passionate about. I do more yoga and have met people who are more like minded, living the simple life and keen for more meaningful interactions. Don't get me wrong, it was a bit lonely at first. I had to really 'cull' a lot of people out of my life including on social media. This 'making space' period also gave me time to get used to my own company. Something which I now know is especially healthy. How can we bring meaningful energy to an interactions or to others if cant be happy in our own company?

Notice how we are influenced by social norms

We are all different. Yet a lot of us seem to socialise in similar ways? I find this fascinating. And a little silly.

Whether we like it or not, social norms have been impacting on how we socialise. As a child it was common to have a birthday party, invite your friends. As an adult we flock to bars in the evening, or an after sport function, or a friends 50th birthday party. If we don't feel like going, or we know its not really our thing, we often go any way, to ensure we are 'doing the right thing'.

Then we end up exhausted and have to get up and face the next day wishing we had had more sleep. I've done this a lot myself. Over time the endless need to fulfil other peoples social requests gets me exhausted. Then I end up sick. We say 'oh I've just been really busy'. As if its compulsory to go to the 'Octoberfest' or the wedding of our second best friend. We feel a need to keep up with the rush of our social life on top of working full-time and other life pressures of family and sports events.

Maybe less is more?

Lets get real here. Is it really compulsory to attend that dinner? Or do we need to make more boundaries, for ourselves and for those around us? Because when we keep running ourselves into the ground with endless social events we end up grouchy and tired, with no energy for really meaningful activities and people in our lives.

Imagine if we cancelled some of those weekend drinks? Every Sunday morning would be that much easier. And we might even have time to read that book we've been curious about, or pick up the guitar.

Is turning down the event, or actually going to the event more painful?

Having boundaries is especially hard for those of us who like to please others and keep the peace. Its so hard turning down events that we make up some excuse to not offend. I've learnt that more often than not, its better to deal with the slightly painful process of disappointing your family for not attending that baby shower, than actually going to the event and having to deal with all the dysfunctional family interactions that come with the 2 day saga of actually enduring it, and being there.

Get curious about your personality

Once we start to get really curious about our personality we can start being more proactive about what type of socialising is really fulfilling for us. And good for us. Are you a bit more introvert or extrovert? Do you find you never actually hang out on your own? If not, maybe this is less about your personality type and more about being afraid of being in our own company?

I discovered, that too much time around others, especially in big groups is draining for me. This has been a significant discovery as now I know to turn down certain invitations to dinners and things, that might be too much for me. This way, when I do catch up with others, I can then bring more of my best self. A one-on-one stimulating coffee catch up in a quirky or interesting cafe environment is far more my scene than a rowdy bar or night club.

Looking at the bigger picture, maybe less socialising means more meaningful interactions? Maybe less is more?

In summary, here are some tips on renovating your social life:

Assess your current socialising. Is it energising or draining?
Start to make some boundaries. Say ‘no’ to certain dinner invitations that might impact on your own quality time.
Weigh up what is more painful – the turning down of the event, or actually enduring the event?
Carve out meaningful creative activities in your life and prioritise these from time to time, over your regular Friday or Saturday night drinks.
Get curious about your personality. Does a big loud busy social event fulfill you, or a quite cafe or time in nature more your thing?

*This blog was first published in November 2019

Learn more at one of the upcoming events with Jo at Heart and Mind Yoga (Click the image to learn more)

Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people one on one with their wellbeing through yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellbeing workshops.

Qualifications include: Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005

Renovate your social life