I truly believe we have a bit of a people-pleasing culture in New Zealand. This might be a bit of a controversial thing to say, but usually, these ‘social norms’ are the type of thing that are ‘best kept under-wraps.’

I believe, many of us have fallen for the trap of always pleasing our family and friends, at the cost of our own wellbeing, dreams and desires. We end up feeling grumpy and resentful because we never get to do what truly matters to us.

Of course, its great to give and stay connected to our friends and family, but getting clear on the what is healthy giving, and what is dysfunctional giving is essential for healthy relationships, for staying inspired and for having our own sense of meaning in life. Especially if we are to bring our best work to this world.

1. Why do we keep up this exhausting people-pleasing behaviour?

It’s just the ‘done thing’

And the ‘done thing’ is not always the healthy thing.

In fact, if we really look closely at why we keep up this dysfunctional over-giving, it comes down to a belief system we’ve taken on from our childhood, and our culture around us, that we must give to others at the cost of our own wellbeing – or we are a bad person. An un-kind person.

Social norms

Paul Dolan, Professor of Behavioural Science, London School of Economics, has found that social norms are prescribed by others and taken on by us. These behaviours are not our true nature, but rather they are taken on as a ‘norm’ through copying, comparing and competing with each other. Social norms have an ‘ought-ness’ to them, so that if you were to stop people pleasing, for example, you would be seen by the culture, or your family unit as an outcast.

To be liked, you must stay in the dysfunctional patterns and behaviours of the culture around you. This is unhealthy, not just for you, but also for those people around you.

You loose your sense of self in your need to be liked - to belong.

2. Take your power back – become aware of the patterns

To break free of people pleasing it takes shining your light of awareness on why you have fallen for this trap of always putting others first….at the cost of your own health and wellbeing.

You will need to become smarter at noticing the dysfunctional patterns in your relationships, to step in your own power.

Here’s some common patterns you may recognise with the people in your life that seem to drain you and keep you stuck in always putting their needs before your own.

They expect you to fit THEIR arrangements all the time

People will expect you to fit into their arrangements to suit their expectations, of what will make THEM happy. Even if it’s not your idea of happiness.

They need you to be a certain way to meet their needs. But this often means you give away your own sense of self. You squash your light, because it makes them feel bigger, smarter, better. You fit their needs, and hide your own. (Especially if you are a more gentle soul)

Why does this happen? They need you to behave in a certain way to satisfy their insecurities (either consciously or not). But hiding your light will not end well for you (or for them in the end!)

They see YOU as the problem

Sometimes people have to see you as the problem so they don’t have to change.

If you stop participating in unhealthy or dysfunctional behaviour in your family system for example, they might begin to see you as the problem. You are the bad guy, the one abandoning them.

The person who shakes up the status quo is often mistaken for the villain, instead of seen as the catalyst for healthy change and healing. (Vienna Pharaon, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist)

3. The courage to be disliked

How do we step into our courage and live with more fulfilment and joy?

Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others
Speak your truth and make room for conflict
Don’t avoid conflict because it’s uncomfortable (this is not a good reason to stay small)
Realise that it’s not your job to make other people happy
Get clarity of your life’s purpose. When you know what’s important, it’s a lot easier to ignore what’s not

“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness” - The Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi

Learn more about healthy boundaries at the upcoming One-day Beachside Wellness Retreat Saturday 2nd March - click image below to book

Jo Jarden is a health coach, yoga teacher, personal trainer and founder of Heart and Mind Yoga, 147 Papanui Road, Christchurch New Zealand. She helps people find mental peace, physical vitality, and to live with purpose.

* This blog was first published 24 February 2023