Are you trying to 'fix' the ones you love?
“The best way to help others is to help ourselves, and so lead by example”
– Peter Crone
We try to ‘fix’ others
It’s really hard to see the people we most care about in our lives, going through struggle. Its only natural that we wish for them to be living a more pain-free easier life.
One of the traps that we can fall into when we try to help someone close to us, is that we try to rescue or ‘fix’ them. It can feel like we are being our best selves, giving others our unsolicited advice or resources.
We may however be compensating for our own sense of lack, or looking for the feel-good buzz of being a rescuer.
Also, when we are trying to ‘fix’ others, the message we are really giving them is that there’s something wrong with them. And lets face it, no one responds well to this approach!
Lead by example
Here’s 3 of my favourite ways to better help the people in our life we care about.
1. Meet people where they are at
So how exactly do we do this?
Well, the people who have helped me the most on my own growth path have been really gentle with me! They have been really great listeners, and rather than try and fix me, they have shown me they really get me in a non-judgemental compassionate way. They don’t tell me I must be unwell, or flawed in some way, they simply have made time to enter into my world for a moment, to understand my struggles. Like they are right there with me.
2. It might seem like we want them to be stuck there
By meeting people where they are at, we are showing them that we accept their reality as it is, right now without forcing our own views or wants onto them. Of course we are not wanting them to be stuck there. We are simply listening compassionately, because when someone truly feels heard, they don’t feel so alone with their struggles. Which on it’s own, is all someone often needs to take the next steps to helping themselves.
3. Show them what’s possible!
To truly have an impact on someone, we want to emulate the energy we wish for them.
I don’t love the word ‘role model’…as it’s a little overused and glamourised in our western media world (!), but the truth is, as Gandhi says, we do need to ‘be the change we want to see in the world.’ Because if not you, then who?
A true leader in my view, is someone who is walking the talk. They are themselves, knee deep in the ‘arena’ doing the hard-yards. They are not taking the easy path in life. They on a growth path, making necessary courageous choices (often going against the cultural norms) to become a healthier, better, wiser version of themselves. They are carving out time to fill up their own cup, so they can give meaningfully to something greater than themselves - to make the world a better place.
On this growth path, we find true fulfilment for ourselves. An inner fulfilment.
And, we inspire others around us to join us.
So the best way to help others, is in fact, to help ourselves, and to lead by example.
Learn more about personal growth and living with fulfillment and intention at the at the upcoming One-day Beachside Wellness Retreat Saturday 2nd March - click image below to book
Jo Jarden is a health coach, yoga teacher, personal trainer and founder of Heart and Mind Yoga, 147 Papanui Road, Christchurch New Zealand. She helps people find mental peace, physical vitality, and to live with purpose.
