The Illusion of control
It’s easy to look back on the year and say to ourselves, ‘what a big year its been’ or what a ‘tough year’. Maybe it has been an especially hard year for you. Sure, yes, we’ve had unprecedented things happen in 2020. But does hard always mean bad? Just because it was full of challenges is that a bad thing? What is it that we really felt like was not in our control?
I’m not taking away the fact that this has been a very devastating year for many people. At the same time it can be helpful, and indeed healthy to carefully consider the narratives we use when reflecting on the year we’ve had.
The ancient sutras of yoga helps us understand that the world is in fact beyond our control. Whether we like it or not, stuff happens. In order to eliminate the stress that comes with uncertainty – we need to think differently. When we can’t change our external world we are forced to change our inner world.
Drawing on the wisdom of yoga, the science of wellbeing, and some of my favourite wise teachers, I’ve offered insights to how we can cultivate a new mindset – a mindset that brings unshakable resilience and a deep sense of wellbeing.
Everything in life is in fact out of our control
This seems hard to digest especially when we have spent most of our life attempting to control so much around us – our job, our home, how successful we are. We have a narrative that sounds something like “when I get all of those things - the fitter body, the marriage, the better job, the mortgage paid off, then I’ll be happy.” We feel that there is always somewhere to get to. We think that being content and happy is somewhere in the future.
The illusion of control
Srikumar Rao calls this ‘The Illusion of control.” There is a perception that when I get all of those things, then ‘I’ll be free and happy’. However, this is all an illusion because you are never in your future. Even when you do accumulate some of those things, your brain will automatically create the next thing to pursue. So we end up in this perpetual chase…which leads to stress and illness.
We have rigid thinking patterns
We get anxious because we want things to unfold a certain way, and we are afraid it won’t work out. Rao explains that we have a ‘very rigid idea of how the universe should be.’ We don’t have enough money we need a bigger home, our kids do the darndest things – and we think ‘this is not how life should be.’ Once we can accept that actually nothing is in our control – earthquakes happen, we have divorces, we have pandemics – whether we like it or not, this has always happened, and will continue to happen.
We can choose to resist what is, or accept what is.
If we choose to resist what is – we become pathologically sick. If we choose to accept what is, and say to ourself “this is not what I want but nevertheless it did, and I’m going to try my best to change things around.” In the process of accepting gracefully, we embrace the situation. Then we can change it, but we change it from an emotional space of acceptance and gratitude. This is not easy(!) But many people have done this before us which can give us great strength.
We can’t control what happens, but we can control how we respond.
It’s not what happens to us in life that matters, its how we respond to the events in our life that matters. Viktor Frankl was an Austrian Holocaust survivor. Despite the fact that he had lost every earthly possession, everyone he loved had been killed, and he was living in a Nazi concentration camp, he did not lose hope because he embraced the power of controlling his inner narrative. They could control his entire environment, but he could decide within himself how this would affect him. He stated “Everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Your awareness is like a flashlight
Most of the time we are shining our flashlight on the things that are wrong with our life. A flashlight illuminates whatever you shine it on. You can make a conscious effort to shine your flashlight on the wonders of the world, what you’ve done well in your day, and the joy of being alive! If you consistently do this, you’ll find that you deal with what ever is wrong in your life from a space of acceptance, aliveness and a deep sense of hope and opportunity. Your problem will then no longer be a problem, but an opportunity to think with a broadened perspective. Refuse to shine your flashlight on the things that bring despair. Have a daily practice, right before you go off to sleep and ask yourself “What was the magic in my day?’.
The universe is working for you
Remember, life gives you what you need for your growth. Maybe this ‘problem’ is not what you want, but over time you gain insight and maturity by finding a way through that adds value to your life – in yoga we call this personal growth. With this mindset, nothing is good or bad. An injury or illness might seem terrible at the time, but through the process you learn so much about healing your injury you are able to provide guidance and insight for others going through something similar.
So how do you find that universe is working for you?
The more you look the more you find! Could this event be what the world needs to become more conscious? Could loosing this job be an opening for more ‘me time’? When you shine your light on the magic in your day, truly accept what is, and trust in the greater good, life truly becomes an adventure.
This is how uncertainty actually becomes fun!
Your daily practice for this Christmas period
This Christmas is a good time to shine your flashlight on the good in your day. Here’s how you can have more of a sense of thankfulness, enjoyment and general positive feelings in our everyday life.
Receive the gift
How aware are you of the things you’ve been given? We can open to so many things that have been given to us such as the contribution by friends, the simplicity of clean running drinking water, and even the gift of human life. It’s really helpful to proactively take note of the gifts that we might otherwise take for granted.
2. Take in pleasure
Let yourself really enjoy whatever daily pleasures are around you. The gift of your sight - to see the bliss of the blue sky - or even the artistic masterpiece of the sky on an overcast day. Or the sound of birds around you, the feeling of sun on your skin. Taking in the pleasures of the ordinary, and making them extraordinary is what matters. I like to really enjoy that comforting feeling of snuggling into my sheets at night and appreciating the simple pleasure of a restful nights sleep ahead.
3. Help yourself feel successful
Can you recognise the millions of ordinary moments of goal accomplishments in your day? Its easy to get caught in the trap of noticing what else still needs to be done in your day. Its important to carve out moments (or mini habits) to allow yourself to celebrate what you’ve done well. Maybe you notice how you managed to hang out a load of laundry, or how you thoughtfully crafted an email to avoid conflict? We can proactively notice the many successes of daily life and let these experiences sink in again and again.
Being happy and steady in lifes ups and downs is not an automatically given quality reserved for a few hippy yogis (!) Just like learning to play the cello, we can all get better and better at shining our flashlight on what’s gone well, and cultivate inner steadiness and strength no matter what happens in our external world.
So how will you take in the good, and appreciate the gifts you already have this Christmas?
I wish you all a fulfilling and pleasurable Christmas break.
Warm yogi regards
Jo