The spiritual leader Ram Dass once said; “If you think you’re enlightened, spend a week with your family.”

Most of us immediately know what he means.

For many of us this is a time of year for family, and the TV is full of adverts showing happy families gathered around the table, or excitedly opening presents.

But what if your family isn’t like this? Or what if you just don’t seem to relate to people in your family?

Maybe you even sort of dread Christmas because you know deep down there will be tension…

Or perhaps you say to yourself ‘this year it will be better’ - and you hang onto hope that, this year you’ll do it differently and it will be just perfect…

Of course, none of us actually want conflict in our family and relationships. But maybe you are simply on a different path to your family members - perhaps a path of growth? Growing apart from people is not always a bad thing. In fact, I’ve learnt it can be quite the opposite.

Here’s 4 universal truths that can help you understand why you might find it hard to relate to your family members with all the impending family gatherings this time of year.

1. It’s healthy to outgrow some people

Everyone is born into a family. In our early years in life, we refer to this family unit as ‘normal.’ Every family unit has a culture. Just like companies, organisations and social groups have a culture. A culture is made up of social norms, accepted behaviours, attitudes and actions that are deemed as ‘OK’, or that are not ‘OK.

So when we are brought up in a family unit there’s an etiquette. A way to behave and communicate, and there is even topics/ideas where we ‘don’t go there at all.’ If one person breaks these rules or acts out of accordance with what the culture states is OK, that person gets into trouble. They now have problems with the rest of the group, with the others that are operating in alignment to the rules.

If one person was to leave the family unit for example, and overcome huge challenges, and growth through crisis, they may be seen as an outcast. This one person in the family is growing, but the rest are not growing and facing challenges. Then, if this person eventually goes back to the family unit, there seems to be a disconnect, a gap, a void. People in the family unit say “you’ve changed.” They say, “It doesn’t feel like you’re the same person anymore.” “We just can’t relate to you,” “We don’t know who you are anymore.”

Although someone may be family, they may not be ‘our people’ – Dr Shefali Tsabary

2. Crisis is not a bad thing

When people who are not comfortable with change, look at someone who they used to be able to relate to, and now they can’t, they view this change as a bad thing. But change is generally just growth. And all growth is good. It reflects someone evolving and maturing. In this way all growth is actually the path of true fulfillment (all growth is spiritual).

A fulfilling life is not about having a comfortable life. But rather, about seeing challenges and taking risks, and falling over and getting up again as essential to a good life. We commit to a life vision that’s about giving to the greater good rather than just ourselves. We ask ourselves “Who do I want to be?” “What do I want?” And “How can I benefit others?” We direct our thinking and actions toward these meaningful goals.

This is the path of growth. And it’s not always easy. We fall over, scrape our knees, we reflect, and identify the lessons we have learnt, and share them with others – this is how we truly relate to others.

“We are here to evolve” – Eckhart Tolle

3. A key ingredient for fulfilling relationships – a growth mindset

A key ingredient for fulfilling relationships is having a commitment to personal growth. So what does it mean to grow and evolve?

When we go through a state of crisis, we grow stronger. We grow so strong that we don’t go back to our original state, but a new state. If a tree’s trunk is damaged in a storm , it begins to absorb nutrients more than it did previously in order to recover. In the same way, humans grow stronger through crisis. This growth reflects our ability to overcome hardship. We only ever experience difficulty in crisis because we have to fight through it and become stronger on the other side.

Here’s some ways I like to try and embrace a growth mindset:

I am deliberate about where I direct my focus. I know that energy flows where attention goes, and where we direct our focus, will determine who we become, how we live and how happy we are
I carve out time to clarify my goals and purpose – my mind is a powerful tool to help me create a meaningful life. My life is a beautiful canvas of my own design (rather than my life being based on other peoples idea of success/social norms).
I listen to practical positive advice from other people taking courageous action in their lives (rather than waste time on fear based content like the news/social media)
I have decided that failure is not failure. I can take risks, even if I’m not 100% sure how it will pan out, and learn from it – then its no longer failure.
I know that the talents, abilities, strengths and skills that I was born with is just the starting point. I can grow and get better.
If I don’t believe its possible to change and grow, I won’t. With learning something new and changing your life 80%-90% of it is mindset – Marie Forleo.

If you want to change, your desire to change must be greater than your desire to remain the same

4. We relate to those who are actually on the path of growth

Many love to read and talk about taking risks, and personal growth, but I find it’s a rare few that actually ON the journey. For me, I truly relate to people who are actually ON the journey of personal growth.

If two people are not growing together, they are growing apart. We have to actually get in the arena. This is when we can truly relate and connect to each other. Sharing what we learn with each other from being ON the path of personal growth brings connection, intimacy and ultimately fulfilling relationships.

Remember, if you experience conflict in your family gatherings this Christmas, it may not be such bad thing. I encourage you to carve out time for meaningful connections, take some time in nature, enjoy your own company, and attract and make time for people who are also on the path of growth.

Learn more about how to live with freedom and fulfilment at the One-day Beachside Vitality Retreat this Saturday 2nd December 2023 at 10am with Heart and Mind Yoga Christchurch (Click the image below for more information and to book).

*This blog was first published 28 November 2023

Why family conflict is not always a bad thing