Are you mentally flexible?
Instead of mental health, let’s think mental flexibility
Over the years I’ve come to see and experience the benefits of a flexible mindset over a rigid thinking mindset. Rigid things tend to be brittle and break, but flexible things, especially something fluid like water, can flow and adapt to its surroundings, but still be a powerful force.
What does it mean to be Mentally Flexible?
I recently picked some good insights from family therapist and men’s mental health expert, Connor Beaton (See the video here). He explained that someone who is struggling with their inner wellness is usually someone who has a high level of rigidity in their approach to life. Things to them are very ‘fixed’ and so their life is often quite stagnant and stationary or even stuck.
Someone who is mentally flexible has more of a growth mindset. They are generally:
More open minded, curious, and willing to take risks and learn from their short falls
More likely to embrace the unknown as an opportunity - to them, it’s something that’s exciting, creative and wonderous, despite being well aware of their fears
They also know that ‘who they are’ as a person is something they do have control over – they know they can re-create and reinvent themselves and become a more inspiring, fulfilled, happy version of themselves, if they choose to
‘Raise your baseline’ rather than ‘get rid of’ thinking
Your approach to being more flexible in your mindset, matters.
You might have noticed a lot of ‘talk’ on social media about how we can ‘get rid of anxiety’, or people asking for advice on ‘how do I stop feeling negative emotions.’ The problem with this type of thinking is it suggests something is broken, or that we are either well, or not well. This is a very ‘black and white’ or binary approach, when the reality of being human is that we are simply more nuanced than this. This binary thinking reflects our simplistic modernistic thinking, of wanting to put everything in neatly confined boxes, and slap a fancy label on it to easily make sense of it all.
Instead, it may be more helpful (and healthy) to think of our general state of health, mentally, physically and spiritually, as a scale. If the scale, for example is from 1 to 10, with 10 being our optimum level of flourishing, you might ask yourself, ‘how can I move from where I am ‘upwards’ along the scale? How can I raise my baseline?
3 ways to be more Mentally Flexible
Here's 3 ways we can learn to be more mentally flexible and live a health life mentally, physically, and spiritually.
1. Instead of focusing on what you can’t control, focus on what you can
For people with rigid thinking, things need to be a certain way. They like to have a high level of control, or at least, they have the perception that they are in control of things in their life.
Fixating on things you can’t control, and can’t change, will almost certainly lead to internal suffering, and what many ‘experts’ say is ‘poor mental health.’ It’s important to learn the skill of being mentally flexible with your mind, so your mind doesn’t keep cycling and ruminating on the things you can’t control.
As the stoic Epictetus famously said, “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle. Some things are within your control. And some things are not.”
Examples of a mentally flexible mindset
I am deliberate about where I direct my focus. I know that energy flows where attention goes, and where I direct my focus, will determine who I become, how I live and how happy I am.
I carve out time to clarify my goals and purpose – my mind is a powerful tool to help me create a meaningful life. My life is a beautiful canvas of my own design (rather than my life being based on other people’s idea of success/social norms).
I listen to practical positive advice from other people taking courageous action in their lives (rather than waste time on fear-based content like the news and social media).
I have decided that failure is not failure. I can take risks, even if I’m not 100% sure how it will pan out, and learn from it – then it’s no longer failure.
I know that the talents, abilities, strengths and skills that I was born with is just the starting point. I can grow and get better.
If I don’t believe its possible to change and grow, I won’t.
“With learning something new and changing your life 80%-90% of it is mindset” – Marie Forleo
2. Instead of needing to know how it will pan out, embrace uncertainty
People who are mentally inflexible have a high need of ‘needing to know the outcome’.
Every person on earth, at their core, wants to live a fulfilling inspiring life. Yet most people don’t want to embrace the uncertainty that comes with this, because it’s scary. We want security and comfort, AND we want adventure and inspiration. But something has to give.
To be mentally well, means to have a mindset of curiosity, and ultimately being able to be at peace, with not knowing how it’s all going to pain out. This is a helpful question to ask ourselves “Is it possible for me to learn to be at peace with not knowing how it will all unfold?”
Few people have tapped into this secret of true happiness, and freedom in their life. As the mind/body/spirit coach Peter Crone says, “The nature of life is uncertainty.” It’s just our ego, the fearful part, the childish part within us that is not OK with this.
“Here is my secret; I don’t mind what happens” - J. Krishnamurti
3. Instead of a rigid identity, continually re-invent yourself
Despite what you may have learnt growing up, or from the world around you, your personality isn’t permanent.
Most people are living their life based on their past idea of themselves – they live from a place of ‘avoiding a worst-case scenario’. They are essentially bringing the past into the present moment and hoping it doesn’t happen in the future. They are reacting to circumstances, conditions, situations, people, and places through their misinterpretation of past experiences. So, life keeps repeating this into their present experience, which affects their future.
What we can do is move from this rigid and reactive way of thinking about our identity, and take on a more intentional and creative mindset. A creative mindset allows you to imagine a more inspiring vision for your life. You start to understand that every moment is an opportunity to choose to be happy, to be prosperous, and to be healthy. Our thoughts create our reality, not the other way around. When you live more intentionally, you are not just ambling along in life, you are more participating in your own creation of a purposeful life.
A good journalling practice is to ask yourself in a moment of quiet reflection;
What roles, responsibilities, and identities have I taken on, to ‘fit in’, to be a ‘good person’ according to societal norms?
Who am I without all of those labels and roles?
What gifts, artistry and brilliance is within me that could bring some good to the world?
What would help me take a pause in my life, to reflect, recenter, and recreate myself?
If no one knew of me, and I was completely anonymous, who do I want to be?
“We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise, we harden” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Lastly…
Of course, there are many other practical (science based) ways we can become more mentally flexible. For example, having a regular exercise program, yoga, meditation, breathing and having sufficient down time before bed can all help generate the neurochemicals needed in your body to ‘raise your baseline’ of inner wellness.
In fact, I would say these mind and body practices are the perfect starting point and foundation to build everything else upon.
Other ways of building mental flexibility, which I’ll expand on in future blogs include:
Noticing your inner critic
Building a sense of self-worth through self-compassion practices
Noticing a lack of boundaries and non-assertiveness due to difficult emotional experiences from your upbringing
Prioritising sleep, and learning night-time habits to slow down your heart rate before bed
Learning how to ground your energy to reduce anxiety and reframe future ‘threats’
Jo Jarden is a health coach, yoga teacher, personal trainer and founder of Heart and Mind Yoga Christchurch New Zealand. She helps people find mental peace, physical vitality, and to live with purpose. Her services include: Workplace yoga and wellness workshops, private yoga, health coaching, and events.
Check out her upcoming One-day Wellness Retreat Sunday 4th August 2024 (Click the image below for more info)
