How to set boundaries with difficult people
Speaking up and setting boundaries is hard. Attempting to assert ourselves, and to ask for what we want in the face of potential conflict makes many of us run a mile. Just the thought of it can even make us feel physically sick in our body.
Asserting ourselves with difficult people is especially hard. It just seems easier not to even go there because no matter how carefully we choose our words, we can never seem to do enough, and we end up hurt. Like a foul odour left lingering, we ruminate in the aftermath for days.
Boundary Bullies
These types of personalities can be summarised as boundary bullies. Terri Cole in her book Boundary Boss explained that people who fall into this category have a tendency to be intrusive, demanding, full of unrealistic expectations and regularly disregard your boundaries. From my own personal experience with boundary bullies, I would add they are also impulsive and often expect everyone around them to drop their plans immediately to tend to their own.
Does this sound familiar? Do you have people like this in your life?
Become a Boundary Boss
I like to call myself someone who is very much ‘working on’ becoming a boundary boss. For most of my life I’ve felt like its not even worth the hassle to assert myself because the thought of the resulted conflict was too painful to bear. However, I’m learning this is very disempowering. And as much as my small sense of self (my inner child you might say) wants to back into my safe little corner of non-confrontation, there is only one way out of this…
I am step by step developing my ‘boundary boss’ qualities (albeit slowly, with hiccups, and a lot of self-compassion). Remember these boundary bullies have been practicing their very skilful manipulative behaviour for many years, so its only natural that we will a) stumble a long the way, and b) need A LOT of courage to stand up to them.
I thought I’d share what’s been helping me, and what the research says about how we can develop our inner strengths to live a more self-directed life.
Shift your focus to you
This is the KEY to gaining back your power. Remember, that the only persons behaviour that we can change is our own. The ancient yoga sutras gives us insight to this – we can’t control our external world, but we can control how we respond.
When we are no longer able to change a situation ,we are challenged to change ourselves – Viktor E Frankl
7 Tips to becoming a Boundary Boss
Here is 7 ways you can stand up to boundary bullies.
1. Awareness of unhealthy boundaries
Raising your awareness is the first step to change. Its vital to be able to communicate your boundaries including:
Sharing your preferences and desires
Your limits and non-negotiables, your deal breakers
And letting people in your life know what OK is, and what is not OK with you
Unhealthy boundaries stem from confusion about what is your responsibility and what is not. Have you ever felt guilted into something you don’t want to do? Have you ever said ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’? Are you an over-giver? These are all symptoms of a lack of clarity about what is your side of the street, and what is the other persons side of the street.
A lack of healthy boundaries is at the heart of our problems with difficult people at work, our problems in our relationships, and the drama that comes with draining family dynamics. Creating healthy boundaries is the key to a self-directed life.
2. Uncover unhelpful stories
Your personal history and unique sensitivities contribute to your vulnerability when it comes to boundary bullies. For example, if growing up you had someone in your family unit who was erratic, explosive or difficult at times, it may be hard for you set boundaries as an adult because the small child in you still feels the old fear.
Uncovering this info by shining the light of awareness on this, will help you identify how your dysfunctional boundary patterns came to be, and how they may be holding you back. Learnt behaviour is not your fault (it’s a survival mechanism as a child), but understanding it, and upgrading your belief system to an empowering adult story is your responsibility. Especially if you want to make a change in your life.
“Fear unexamined grows, fear examined diminishes” – Jaemin Frazer
3. Are you an empath?
Empaths naturally avoid conflict and confrontation because its too taxing on their system. It feels easier to give in that go head-to-head with a person who is notoriously intense, unaware, outspoken and bolshy.
Emotional predators know exactly the right buttons to push in you. Due to this, you are going to need a particular skillset. If you are conflict averse, avoid confrontation, boundary bullies know how to use this to their advantage to get what they want.
Knowing who these particular people are in your life is important. You can bring mindful awareness to the issues showing up when its not in the heat of the moment. With an observers mindset ask yourself :
Who are the most difficult people in your life?
Which relationships drain you?
What is it about interacting with this person that is so difficult?
Do you feel you can’t speak up? Why?
“Sensitivity is a sign of strength. It’s not about toughening up, its about smartening up” – Marie Forleo
4. Boundary bullies and cultural norms
We have deeply engrained cultural norms, around socialising, family gatherings and workplace functions. Creating healthy boundaries means you will have to rebel from all sorts of automatic choices. You have to have a certain amount of grit just to avoid getting sucked into the momentum of the dominant culture machine.
I often get invites to events – weddings, family events - that I turn down so I can generate time for my own rest and creativity. It definitely feels hard at the time – saying ‘no’ – but the result of saying no is always better than the people pleasing alternative. From my experience, if you keep saying yes to other people’s priorities, those people will keep asking you to fulfil their priorities. The event probably won’t align to your values and you’ll need days to recover.
Yes, it will be hard saying ‘no’ at first, and you will need to get used to feeling the resistance from the world around you. Do it anyway.
“When you start seeing your worth, you’ll find it hard to stay around people who don’t” - annonymous
5. Make room for conflict
You can’t expect to speak up to a boundary bully, and think it will all go smoothly and simply just because you have been brave. There will most likely be conflict and it will be uncomfortable, even difficult. But this is not a good reason to avoid it. Life is full of difficulty, and the more we can hold a space for it, embrace it, the stronger and wiser we become. I’m finding its actually helpful to expect conflict – and then be conscious enough to observe the feelings that arise in you as it rolls out.
Remember, how they respond is not yours to deal with. If they are triggered by you setting boundaries, its their work. Whether they do the inner reflection work or not, is their side of the street.
6. Celebrate courage reference points
The only way to get better at standing up to boundary bullies – is to do it. Take action. Facing our fears can be the key to happiness and freedom in your life. You may fumble a little, but keep trying. And celebrate the small wins along the way. By linking positive emotions and telling yourself how well you’re doing, will help you do it again. Celebrate the most tiny achievements with your boundary setting. You will get better with practice
And remember to be kind to yourself along the way.
“Never forget that walking away from something unhealthy is brave, even if you stumble a little on your way out the door” – anonymous
7. If you don’t, its not just disempowering for you, its empowering the bullies
Developing your inner resilience in this way and becoming more empowered and more self directed as a Boundary Boss is not only healthy, its actually essential to bring positive change in our world. Our world is screaming out for more compassion, kindness, emotional awareness, and innate inner goodness that only filters into our community when the timid and weak, become fierce and strong. When they find their voice, and make fierce boundaries for the benefit of the greater good.
Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others
“The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked. When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness.”
- The Courage to Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi (Author), Fumitake Koga
Learn more at our next 1-Day Urban Yoga Retreat at Heart and Mind Yoga studio
Sunday 1st August 10am-4pm. Yoga, Yin relaxation, Wisdom Talks, Park walk, Meet like minded people
Or sign up to our next 5-Week Beginners Yoga Course starting Wed 30th June 7.15pm
Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people one on one with their wellbeing through yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellbeing workshops.
Qualifications include: Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005
Learn more about Jo and her studio here
I was inspired to write this after reading the book Boundary Boss by Terri Cole