Who you surround yourself with, matters

Who you surround yourself with has a huge influence on your behaviour – it impacts your view of the world, what you think is possible, and what you expect of yourself.

If you are more often than not around people who seem to drain you, or seem like they’re ‘just not your type’, or you feel obliged to go to that family or work function just because it’s the right thing to do even though you’ve done this all before and you know they’re not ‘your people’, you might want to take a moment and reflect on how you are choosing to spend your time. After all, it is a choice, to be around those that lift us up, or those that don’t.

In fact, research by social psychologist Dr David McClelland of Harvard University found that “the people you habitually associate with, can determine as much as 95 percent of your success or failure in life.”

Just because they are family, it doesn’t mean they are ‘your people’

Have you ever spent a few days over a long weekend with family, and then find later you offload, vent, and ruminate about their annoying ways for days or even weeks later? Compare that to people who you collide with sparingly who seem to have a spark, a sort of joyous quality that just makes you feel uplifted. Or maybe you find when you chat with them they really seem to get you in a way others don’t seem to?

This is worth paying attention to, because some people will overlook your strengths - your unique gifts of your character - and others will be ignited and even inspired by them. Saying ‘no’ to one thing, means you are saying ‘yes’ to another.

By the way, just to clarify, I’m not being ‘anti-family’ in any way here (this is just binary thinking to assume this – it’s our cultures tendency to think it needs to be ‘all or nothing’). I just believe many of us have fallen for the trap of always pleasing our family and friends at the cost of our own wellbeing dreams and desires. We are on this planet for short amount of time, and there’s a lot that needs to be improved, so really, it’s a disservice to society if we are not surrounding ourselves with people who are cheerleaders for our vision for a better world.

 “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” – Jim Rohn

Make healthy boundaries

From my experience, the more you make healthy boundaries, the more you have time to focus on your own life, your own vision, your own gifts, rather than letting others take advantage of your gifts.

People will expect you to fit into their arrangements to suit their expectations of what will make THEM happy. Even it’s not your idea of happiness. They need you to be a certain way to meet their needs. But this means you most likely will give away your own sense of self. You squash your light, because it makes them feel bigger, smarter, better. You fit their needs and hide your own (especially if you are a more gentle soul).

We can’t expect to change other people, but we can choose how we respond. Taking responsibility means we become aware of the patterns of how someone makes us feel, then choosing how we respond. As the Japanese authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga titled their book we must have ‘The Courage to be Disliked.’ You have the choice, the choice to surround yourself with those who help you grow, evolve, and thrive in life, or live to satisfy the expectation of others.

Live with intention, find ‘your people’

Make a conscious effort to find your people. People who are able to listen to you with an open, non-judgemental mind, and see you for who really are, are what I like to call your soul family – they are ‘your people.’ Find people doing things that inspire you, that show you that courageous things outside of your norm are possible. And then, you might find, over time, that you become that person for others.

The world needs your unique gifts – the gift of who you are, not what others want you to be to satisfy their own needs. Look after your unique gifts.

“Inspired people have a subtle positive energy, a spark you can’t put your finger on, a radiance, or even a glow” – Dr Judith Orloff

 Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people find mental peace, physical vitality and to live purpose, through health coaching, yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellness events. 

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