How to quiet your inner critic
Many of us are kind to others but really harsh to ourselves
We self-criticise by being hard on ourselves about things we don’t like about ourselves. We are harshly self-critical when we overeat, when we fail at something, when we make mistakes or we feel inadequate.
Being on our own side
Being self compassionate means we are kind and understanding rather than being cold and judgmental when challenges and difficulty arise. Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us, radically improving our mental and physical wellbeing.
Put your own oxygen mask on first
We must meet our own needs first, so our light doesn’t dim, and so we can share it with others. We need to give to ourself first, so that the overflow of our cup is then available to others. We are no use to others, without having our own oxygen mask on first.
Talk to your self like you would for a good friend going through struggle
Generally self compassion is totally do-able because we already know how to be compassionate warm and supportive toward a good friend. So our only task is to give ourselves permission to be that way with ourselves.
How to practice self compassion
There are 3 key ingredients of self compassion according to self compassion expert Kristin Neff PhD
Mindfulness
This is the ability to turn toward our experience, to be aware of what is, and not run from it, especially when things are painful. In order to get compassionate with ourselves, we have to step outside of ourself. We might say something to ourself like “Hey, you’re really having a hard time” “Is there anything I can do to help”? This is being mindful – we are aware of what is happening, and we get perspective.
2. Kindness
We offer ourselves warmth, care and understanding. A kind response like we would offer a good friend, as opposed to a harsh response. Such as “I’m here for you.”
3. Connectedness
We appreciate that being flawed is part of being human. We are all simply doing the best we can.
(It’s important to differentiate self-compassion from self-pity. Self pity is…”You really got it bad.” Self compassion is “We all go through this.”)
Welcome your flaws
Self-esteem is the ability to see ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard. Its anything but perfection! So welcome your flaws! Low self-esteem is a lack of feeling whole in who you are. So surely it’s better to be compassionate with who we are – including our flaws?
Use language that feels comfortable
If your habitual way of relating to yourself is really harsh, self-compassion can initially be hard. Its helpful to use language that feels natural for you. If you use words that are kind of corny and fake-sweet, you won’t believe it. A bloke offering support to his mate at bar is likely to use different language to women meeting for supportive chats over a latte.
Take baby steps
Use words that feel appropriate for you such as “What I wish for myself is to be a little more supportive toward myself”. This is a lower bar to jump over.
In summary, being kind to yourself, and developing a wise encouraging inner voice, especially when things get tough, is a powerful inner strength you can develop, with practice.
"Your only work is to love yourself, value yourself, and embody this truth of self-worth and self-love so that you can be love in action. That is true service, to yourself and to those who surround you.'“ - Anita Moorjani
Jo Jarden is a health coach, yoga teacher, personal trainer and founder of Heart and Mind Yoga Christchurch New Zealand. She helps people find mental peace, physical vitality, and to live with purpose
Services include:
Workplace Yoga - 1 hour yoga session, or wellbeing workshops
Private Session - 1 hour health coaching session, beginners yoga session
Community events - Wednesday weekly classes
Retreats - Beachside Retreat Saturday 21st January 2023
Learn more here and book, or contact Jo 022 125 3011