How to quiet your inner critic
Society tells us that we must look after everyone else first
We look after our kids, our spouses, we care for others at work, and then our tank is empty. We feel exhausted with nothing left for ourselves. We even end up physically sick. And this seems to be the norm? It’s like an unspoken expectation that to be a good person, we must look after everyone else around us at the cost of our own health and vitality. But this is not sustainable. There is another way of living - it’s just not commonly talked about. We are the person closest to us, so we must make sure, first and foremost we can be kind to the most important person in our life!
There’s a myth that looking after ourselves is self-indulgent
Filling our own cup with kindness, support, connectedness is essential, so we have more available to give to others. “Put your own oxygen mask on first” is very true in this instance. You must meet your own needs first, so your light doesn’t dim, and so you can share it with others. Having a clear sense of purpose in your life means giving to others in a meaningful way - and to figure this out you need to give to yourself first, so that the overflow of your cup is then available to others.
Many of us are kind to others but really harsh to ourselves
We self-criticise by being hard on ourselves about things we don’t like about ourselves or when we fail at something we freeze and self-sabotage. We try something new, a new sport, or don’t get the best outcome at work and we start beating ourselves up for our imperfections. Or we look at our naked body in the mirror and notice all the areas that we are not happy with. Some people like nurses and carers can spend their whole life giving to others and always feel tired and depleted themselves. It is possible to be compassionate to others in a balanced way that will not burn you out.
We think that if we are harsh on ourselves this will whip us into shape
Self-criticism is good for some things like motivating to study for exams. We say to ourselves “I must try really hard because I don’t want to be a failure”. However, self-criticism creates unwanted side effects that are damaging.
Our state of mind impacts our physical health. When we are harshly self-critical it activates our sympathetic nervous system response leading to increased cortisol levels, inflammation and other side effects. It also makes you anxious and lowers your ability to perform. So, when you fail you feel like you can’t handle it, you give up, it feels unacceptable to fail. This is common in the medical profession.
The mentality “Don’t worry about it” also doesn’t help. What’s better is a mentality such as “I’m still worthy if I fail, I still love you, and also….I know you can do better, how can we do better. I got your back.” Like a wise coach or parent, we embrace ourselves with kindness and encouragement. We are motivated by love rather than fear.
Sometimes we get confused and think self-compassion is just about tenderness and acceptance, but it is also about being fierce, and motivating and seeing what we can do to make things better. We need both to be balanced and whole and healthy.
Welcome your flaws
Self-esteem is the ability to see ourselves as flawed individuals and still hold ourselves in high regard. Its anything but perfection! So welcome your flaws people! Low self-esteem is a lack of feeling whole in who you are. So surely it’s better to be compassionate with who we are – including our flaws?
Self compassion doesn’t repress or sugar coat the negative feels
We are holding a negative experience with a positive state of mind. We embrace our negative feelings. “OK this is reality. This is hard” “How can I help myself deal with this.” The warmth, kindness, and feelings of connection gives us strength and a sense of support as we are coping with the negative emotions. We generate good feelings alongside recognising the difficult feelings. So even though we are suffering, self-compassion activates the reward system in the brain - it’s a positive emotion. This is pretty empowering!
We have deeply engrained social narratives that we have taken on without noticing
Gender roles in our society really messes everyone up! Gender roles tell men that it’s OK to be active and conquer the world – but don’t be too sensitive, don’t be soft. So men’s ability to feel self-compassion is often inhibited because they think it’s a weakness.
For women - we get the message we are allowed to be tender and soft and loving, but we are not allowed to be angry or fierce and stand up for ourselves and claim our power. Women are also taught they shouldn’t meet their own needs. We have been taught that we are supposed to meet other people’s needs.
When women include their own needs in the basket of needs that need to be met, they say ”Hey my needs count too. It not OK for me to just meet others needs. “ Its not that our needs count more than other people’s needs but they have to be included in the decision making of “what do I do in this moment?” This is exciting and can bring change on the micro and macro level of our society. Because when you say – “My needs matter too”, it shifts the balance of power in society.
Its important to stand up to these restricted gender roles by asking ourselves “What do I need to be happy and healthy?”
How to practice self compassion
There are 3 key ingredients of self compassion according to self compassion expert Kristin Neff PhD
Mindfulness
This is the ability to turn toward our experience, to be aware of what is, and not run from it, especially when things are painful. In order to get compassionate with ourselves, we have to step outside of ourself. We might say something to ourself like “Hey, you’re really having a hard time” “Is there anything I can do to help”? This is being mindful – we are aware of what is happening, and we get perspective.
Kindness
We offer ourselves warmth, care and understanding. A kind response like we would offer a good friend, as opposed to a harsh response. Such as “I’m here for you”.
Connectedness
We appreciate that being flawed is part of being human. We are all simply doing the best we can. (It’s important to differentiate self-compassion from self-pity. Self pity is…”You really got it bad”. Self compassion is “We all go through this.” )
Use language that feels comfortable
If your habitual way of relating to yourself is really harsh, self-compassion can initially be hard. Its helpful to use language that feels natural for you. If you use words that are syrupy and sweet, you won’t believe it. A bloke offering support to his mate at bar is likely to use different language to women meeting for supportive chats over a latte.
Take baby steps and use words that feel appropriate for you such as “What I wish for myself is to be a little e more supportive toward myself”. This is a lower bar to jump over.
Generally self compassion is totally do-able because we already know how to be compassionate warm and supportive toward a good friend. So our only task is to give ourselves permission to be that way with ourselves.
Pause and ask the question
How many of us actually pause and ask ourselves – what do I really need in this moment? Asking the question eventually provides its own answer. It’s not sustainable to be compassionate to everyone around you but not yourself. We must learn to be compassionate to others in a balanced way that will not burn you out.
As Kristin Neff says, “Often life’s a battle. Who do you want inside your head when you go into battle? Do you want an enemy whose cutting you down, shaming you? Or do you want an ally. I got your back, we can do this, I believe in you, I’m here for you.”
Clearly, we are going to be stronger and more competent, more able to deal with the difficulties of life, when we are on our own side - when we are our own ally. When we support ourselves as opposed to ‘pulling the rug out ’in moments of struggle, we become more self compassionate.
Self compassion is a powerful inner strength we can learn, and develop so we experience a more grounded, resilient and overall, more enriching experience of life.
Will you give yourself permission to be on your own side, and be your own best friend?
Learn more aboout Self Compassion pratices and ‘quietening your inner critic’ at the upcoming full day yoga workshop Sunday 16th May 10am-4pm - Connect to your Inner Wisdom
Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people one on one with their wellbeing through yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellbeing workshops.
Qualifications include: Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005
Offerings at her studio Heart and Mind Yoga 13/21 Bealey Ave Christchurch include:
1. Beginners Yoga Course 5 weeks - starts 26 May