Find your way as a sensitive soul in a harsh world
It’s becoming clear to me that I am not the only sensitive soul out there!
I love meeting other empaths at the studio and sharing insights into how we can become more in tune with our gifts, rather than feeling timid and weak. Indeed, my own path of healing has been about recognising my gifts as an empath and finding my way in a harsh world.
Here’s 5 key insights into how I have been evolving into more of an empowered empath:
1. Embrace your intuition
Many sensitive children do not feel seen by their parents, teachers, or family. Their sensitive gifts are treated more like a characteristic that is a flaw, or a deviant from the norm. Dr Judith Orloff, who wrote The Empath's Survival Guide explains that empaths have precious unique abilities, but growing up their empathic nature is seen as something wrong with them, or as a weakness that needs to be fixed.
Growing up with the sense of not being “seen” can injure a person’s self-confidence, which can lead them to becoming a people-pleaser. We try to win love by getting into other’s good books. As a child I personally didn’t feel that my parents supported or “saw” my intuitive side so I grew up feeling like I had to squash this part of me (ie toughen up), rather than feel confident with my unique sensitive abilities.
My own healing path has been to embrace my intuition as well as my linear mind.
2. Setting healthy firm boundaries
Many sensitive souls over-give as they grow into adults. Dr Shefali Tsabary, in her book A Radical Awakening, calls these people ‘bleeding empaths.’ How we regard and treat ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our life. You may have been socialised to believe that having healthy boundaries makes you confrontational and selfish. But in fact, having healthy boundaries makes you brave and generous.
We have deeply embedded societal pressures about serving other people. Our culture tells us (especially women) that to be a good person we must give at the cost of our own health and happiness.
Giving too much, to too many, for too long is co-dependency, not love. It’s a continual state of being focused on the needs wants and problems of others in order to gain approval, feel worthy, and to control the outcomes. This false story stems from a child’s fear of failing to disappoint others. As an adult it shows up as an unconscious engrained behaviour of helping, fixing, doing, saving.
Unhealthy boundaries show up in our life through many over functioning behaviours such as:
Feeling overly responsible for everything
It has to be you that does it
You believe that saying no, or changing your mind, or that you can’t follow through, that something dire might happen
Situations feel urgent, like life and death, even when they’re not.
Yoga helps us become more conscious so that we can recognise when the little kid in us might be activated so we can release the old reaction, and choose a response from the grown up version of ourselves, that is our highest true self. If someone is depending on you for their happiness, that is their side of the fence. If you are depending on them for your happiness by over giving, fixing, doing everything – this is your side of the fence. In yoga this is called ‘attachment.’
3. Practice self-soothing techniques and self-compassion
When we choose to take care of ourselves, we get tension. This is what it takes to live a purposeful life. Healthy boundaries will mean discomfort. And on the other side is freedom! If you truly want to do your best work in the world, you will need to look after yourself. No one said the path of the meaningful life was easy, but its worth it.
Many high functioning empaths have developed their abilities (inner strengths) to be kind to themselves whether they are flourishing or falling apart. You would hardly know they are highly sensitive because they have learnt to manage themselves so well.
Here’s some things I like to say to myself to help myself feel soothed and confident when making difficult decisions, setting boundaries, or simply feeling deeply:
“My own pleasure and happiness is inherently valuable.”
“You are not flawed in anyway for feeling like this. Most people would find this hard”
“ I am here for you, I am on your side.”
“It’s OK to make mistakes and change your mind. I know you can learn from this and do better next time”
4. Find that thing that pulls you into action
Many of us do not have a future that sufficiently inspires us. Empaths are especially sensitive to the harshness of the world and can experience low mood if their unique gifts are not embraced. Not having something to “look forward to” that pulls us into action can leave us feeling low, and glum. Pursuing a goal can sometimes feel like the last thing we want to do when we are in a slump. However doing so, can be what gets us out of a rut and back on track to living a fulfilling life.
I love the quote by John A Shedd - “A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for.” Acknowledging that many of us are living the comfortable life, one that has certainty and security. But is this fulfilling? Every path has struggle. Staying in the comfortable job causes struggle in other areas of our life. Choosing uncertainty and risk will also mean struggle. So why not take the high seas and choose meaningful struggle?
If you don’t have anything that keeps you growing, that you keep having to go towards, then you will be very vulnerable to falling into a slump. Peter Crone, The Mind Architect explains that the key to a fulfilling life is “when you commit to something that is beyond the current version of yourself.”
In other words, happiness will come as a result of us pursuing our big inspiring goals and growing and evolving toward our true potential.
5. Embrace your own unique magic
Take control back. Make boundaries, do what feels more like ‘you’ even if it causes chaos around you. Reclaim your agenda. Nothing burns more fiercely in our soul than the desire to be ourselves and pursue our dreams.
I believe that when we connect to our inner wisdom, and our intuition we are able to turn our sensitive nature into our strength - and we find the clues to our life’s purpose.
Begin by asking yourself:
Who do I want to be?
What are my unique sensitive and creative gifts?
And how can I give meaningfully to others?
The great joys of life come when we are spontaneous and authentic each day while engaging in activities that we care about. When you show up authentic, as an empowered empath, you can bring your unique magic to the world. And you create space for others to do the same.
Want to learn more about how to become an empowered empath?
Come along to the One-Day Urban Yoga Retreat at Heart and Mind Yoga studio Sunday 1st August 10am-4pm. Yoga, yin relaxation, wisdom talks, park walk, meet like minded people.
Other offerings at the studio include:
5-Week Beginners Yoga Course starting Wed 18th August 7.15pm
Weekly yoga and fitness classes at the studio
Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people one on one with their wellbeing through yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellbeing workshops.
Qualifications include: Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005