We often think that being alone is a bad thing, as if it's somehow lonely.
And perhaps for some people it is.

Being in our own company, and liking it, is extremely freeing and empowering. It can take some practice to get used to, and is in fact a very valuable practice.

If we can't be content when we are alone, then we will always be drawing on the energy of others when we are around other people.

“If you can fall in love with yourself, and love yourself, when you're by yourself, then you can be with others. If you don't like yourself, when you’re by yourself, then you're pulling on others to make you happy" - Michael Beckwith

I like to switch the words 'being alone' to 'being in my own company.'

Our culture seems to celebrate over socialising, with endless work functions, over consuming at Christmas gatherings, and boozy sports events.

Mental health literature and experts often refer to need to have meaningful relationships for good health and longevity. Of course some meaningful interactions are healthy in life, but I think its time to reassess this message about always needing to be connected – either online or in our everyday life.

Meaningful connection

It’s easy to fall into the trap of over connecting when we don’t have a clear life’s purpose of our own. Here’s some common ways people over connect due to having a lack of direction in their own life.

1. They are often tending to other people’s priorities and feel drained and unfulfilled.

2. They continuously control and manipulate others and organise people into their own agenda because they don’t have their own purpose, so they try to make you, theirs

3. They make their whole life about their family, thinking that their husband/wife, kids are their purpose in life, and then get to middle-age and realise they are not sure who they even are. Or what their own identity is.

Being with ourselves, is in fact the very thing that we are avoiding. Because its scary to be with ourselves if we don’t like our own company.

As the stoics say ‘What’s in the way, is the way.’ Learning to like ourselves, when we are by ourself, is what will bring us true inner joy and fulfilment.

So you say you’re extraverted…

Are you a bit more of an extrovert? Do you find you never actually hang out on your own? Some people use extraversion as an excuse to not spend time in their own company. Even the most bubbliest outrageous lively souls out there need time to recharge, and reconnect with themselves if they are to do their best work in the world.

How to be with yourself, if you don’t like being with yourself

1. Be kind to yourself. Remember you have trained yourself (and been trained by others around you) your whole life to believe that more is better, and that being on your own is scary. Start by saying to yourself – “I have done the best I could do, and its all perfect”, AND “I’m willing to be a better version of myself even if the path is a bit bumpy along the way.”

2. Get out in nature – start with baby steps. Rather than a whole weekend away, start by going on an afternoon walk in the hills on your own. If your mind is busy – try listening to a podcast that’s uplifting and inspiring

3. Get curious about your life’s purpose – check out this blog here for 8 Clues on Finding your purpose https://heartandmindyoga.co.nz/blog/8-clues-for-finding-your-purpose

4. Start to make some boundaries. Say ‘no’ to certain dinner invitations that might impact on your own quality time.

5. Carve out meaningful creative activities in your life and prioritise these from time to time, over your regular Friday or Saturday night drinks.

Jo Jarden is a health coach, yoga teacher, personal trainer and founder of Heart and Mind Yoga Christchurch New Zealand. She helps people find mental peace, physical vitality, and to live with purpose

Services include:

Workplace Yoga - 1 hour yoga session, or wellbeing workshops
Private Session - 1 hour health coaching session, beginners yoga session
Community events - Wednesday weekly classes
Retreats - Beachside Retreat Saturday 21st January (click the image below to learn more)
Book your session here, or contact Jo 022 125 3011

Learn to be alone, and to like it