The secret ingredient to healthy relationships
Have you ever noticed how you’ve grown apart from someone? Maybe you’ve noticed how you just don’t relate to old friends anymore, like you’ve gone on two different paths? Or you get together at a family event, and you realise you just don’t relate to anyone, or they don’t seem to get you.
Growing apart from people is not always a bad thing. In fact, I’ve learnt it can be quite the opposite.
Here’s five universal truths, or helpful beliefs we can base our lives upon - drawing on the wisdom of yoga and science of wellbeing – on what it means to have healthy relationships in our life.
1. If two people in a relationship are not growing together, they are growing apart
We feel close, connected and intimate with someone if we relate to them in a way that aligns with our core values.
Many people have an attitude towards their relationships, where they are looking for a partner to fill a void, boost status or relieve anxiety. They approach relationships from a place of emptiness. This is the opposite to growing together. Depending on someone else to fill our deepest needs, without taking responsibility for those needs ourselves, means we no longer grow and evolve, but look to the other person to ‘rescue’ us. This is a recipe for growing apart, not together.
If two people are not growing together in life, then they are fundamentally growing apart
2. A key ingredient for fulfilling relationships – the growth mindset
A key ingredient for fulfilling relationships is having a commitment to personal growth. So what does it mean to grow and evolve? When we go through a state of crisis, we grow stronger. We grow so strong that we don’t go back to our original state, but a new state. If a tree’s trunk is damaged in a storm , it begins to absorb nutrients more than it did previously in order to recover. In the same way, humans grow stronger through crisis. This growth reflects our ability to overcome hardship. We only ever experience difficulty in crisis because we have to fight through it and become stronger on the other side.
Here’s some ways I like to try and embrace a growth mindset:
I am deliberate about where I direct my focus. I know that energy flows where attention goes, and where we direct our focus, will determine who we become, how we live and how happy we are
I carve out time to clarify my goals and purpose – my mind is a powerful tool to help me create a meaningful life. My life is a beautiful canvas of my own design (rather than my life being based on other peoples idea of success/social norms).
I listen to practical positive advice from other people taking courageous action in their lives (rather than waste time on fear based content like the news/social media)
I have decided that failure is not failure. I can take risks, even if I’m not 100% sure how it will pan out, and learn from it – then its no longer failure.
I know that the talents, abilities, strengths and skills that I was born with is just the starting point. I can grow and get better.
If I don’t believe its possible to change and grow, I won’t. With learning something new and changing your life 80%-90% of it is mindset. – Marie Forleo
If you want to change, your desire to change must be greater than your desire to remain the same
3. Growth means you will have to outgrow some people
Everyone is born into a family. In our early years in life, we refer to this family unit as ‘normal.’ Every family unit has a culture. Just like companies, organisations and social groups have a culture. A culture is made up of social norms, accepted behaviours, attitudes and actions that are deemed as ‘OK’, or that are not ‘OK.
So when we are brought up in a family unit there’s an etiquette. A way to behave and communicate, and there is even topics/ideas where we ‘don’t go there at all.’ If one person breaks these rules or acts out of accordance with what the culture states is OK, that person gets into trouble. They now have problems with the rest of the group, with the others that are operating in alignment to the rules.
If one person was to leave the family unit for example, and overcome huge challenges, and growth through crisis, they may be seen as an outcast. This one person in the family is growing, but the rest are not growing and facing challenges. Then, if this person eventually goes back to the family unit, there seems to be a disconnect, a gap, a void. People in the family unit say “you’ve changed.” They say, “It doesn’t feel like you’re the same person anymore.” “We just can’t relate to you”, “We don’t know who you are anymore.”
“Although someone may be family, they may not be ‘our people’” – Dr Shefali Tsabary
4. Crisis is not a bad thing
When people who are not comfortable with change, look at someone who they used to be able to relate to, and now they can’t, they view this change as a bad thing. But change is generally just growth. And all growth is good. It reflects someone evolving and maturing. In this way all growth is actually the path of true fulfilment (all growth is spiritual).
A fulfilling life is not about having a comfortable life. But rather, about seeing challenges and taking risks, and falling over and getting up again as essential to a good life. We commit to a life vision that’s about giving to the greater good rather than just ourselves. We ask ourselves “Who do I want to be?” “What do I want?” And “How can I benefit others?” We direct our thinking and actions toward these meaningful goals.
This is the path of growth. And it’s not always easy. We fall over, scrape our knees, we reflect, and identify the lessons we have learnt, and share them with others – this is how we truly relate to others.
“We are here to evolve” – Eckhart Tolle
5. We relate to those who are actually on the path of growth
Many love to read and talk about taking risks, and personal growth, but I find it’s a rare few that actually ON the journey. For me, I truly relate to people who are actually ON the journey of personal growth.
When I was 29 I went through a crisis, you could say. I felt the pressure to ‘find a partner’ to ‘get settled’ to ‘be a successful person’ in some way. I was like, shit, I better have kids! But do I even want kids?! Do I need to ‘get a good job’ even it feels soul destroying just to pay off a mortgage and get a house? The more I forced this way of living, and the more I tried. The more I seemed to feel unfulfilled.
So I broke away from the social norms - the ideas that society tells us will bring success - and started exploring a life for myself based on my own true core values. What I now know is that I had never truly lived authentically in alignment to my gifts. So for a long time I was ‘fitting in as best I could’. I was suppressing who I was really was- and this made me sick. The struggle I went through, helped me grow and evolve. I like to say, it motivated me to live a more fulfilling life, where I moved from the ‘Caged Life’ to a more fulfilling life teaching yoga and personal growth, where I now show others all this is possible.
We have to actually get in the arena. This is when we can truly relate and connect to each other. Because if two people are not growing together, they are growing apart. Sharing what we learn with each other from being ON the path of personal growth brings connection, intimacy and ultimately fulfilling relationships.
Are you willing to become vulnerable enough to fail, learn and grow?
What are the seasons in your life that have stretched you, grown you the most?
What are the lessons you have learnt through our challenging times?
Learn more about how to live with freedom and fulfillment at one of the upcoming courses, retreats and offerings at Heart and Mind Yoga Studio Christchurch.
Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people one on one with their wellbeing through yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellbeing workshops.
Qualifications include: Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005