What does having wellbeing actually mean?
I’ve noticed there is a bit of misunderstanding out there about what having wellbeing (being well, in your being) actually means.
It seems that many people think wellbeing practices are about seeking comfort and pleasure, avoiding difficulties, and controlling and organising all the areas of our life so we never have to deal with the hard stuff. Sure, tending to ourselves with care is important. But if we become too focussed on grasping for a more safe and comfortable life, at the expense of living fully and authentically, we will drift away from true fulfilment and freedom.
Embracing difficulty
The essence of true wellbeing is actually about your capacity to endure difficulties. If we are continually trying to make our lives more easy, more pain free (and in the process more fearful), we never take risks and step out of our comfort zone. We choose security over living out our dreams all in our attempt to avoid discomfort.
Sure, its important to have our basic needs met. And of course, healthy achievement and growth are important qualities to embrace in our life. However, many people in our Western world have more than enough, and still want more. We are materially rich, but our souls are sick. What’s interesting is, that research has found that people countries with less material wealth, have better mental health outcomes than we have here in NZ. We just only need to compare the glum stressed faces in sterile New Zealand malls with the vibrancy of a daily market in Asia.
Basically, we are all too comfortable. This is the greatest disease of our Western culture. The disease of the comfortable life. Some people have called this ‘Affluenza’.
“A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.” Seneca
3 ways to find true wellbeing by embracing difficulty
1. Take responsibility for your life
Many people still believe that life happens to us. But in fact, the yoga wisdom tells us that life happens through us. Most people have a perception that something outside of themselves caused their situation and that determines their happiness or sadness. This is a very disempowering way to live because we are always the victim of our circumstances – we give up our power to something external. We need everything around us to be going well for us to be feel good. We need our partner to behave a certain way – and we may even believe that its their job to make us happy.
When we stop believing that someone’s got our back or that superman’s coming, we turn to ourselves. And this is when we become empowered. We become responsible, meaning response – ABLE. You are the only one to be able to truly respond to your deepest needs. Cognitive behavioural therapy research tells us that we all have the ability to choose a new set of thought patterns, habits and behaviours. This means that you can choose to learn from experiences rather than be crushed by them. When difficult thoughts come up, we can get into the habit of asking ourself the question ‘Is this true? What might be a more positive alternative explanation?’ to get an alternative perspective on our life circumstances.
How we respond to life is what matters. Even the very worst circumstances can give us the opportunity to build the inner resource that help us to be more resilient and mentally strong.
“In the end, it’s not what happens to us that matters most – it’s what we choose to do with it” Edith Eger, a Holocaust survivor.
2. A creative verses a reactive mindset
A creative mindset means we are able to visualise an extraordinary future for ourselves (no matter what our past has been) that we can work towards. We have that thing that pulls us forward and this brings us joy freedom and relaxation.
A reactive mindset is when we get overly attached to the idea that we have a problem. We are so busy avoiding history repeating itself, that we end up suffering tension, anxiety and worry. All because we are trying to fix a history we cannot change.
When we take responsibility for our life, we take responsibility for our own thinking, our own perception and what we say. We learn that our thoughts are units of energy that have a tendency to become things and experiences. We begin to desire the kind of life experience we want for ourselves, based on our unique gifts and how we can help others in a meaningful way (our intention). We create the life for which we are most thirsty for. We visualise what can go right, we leverage our strengths, we notice what we do have.
One way to help this process is the practice of Yoga Nidra, a deep relaxation meditation – that aligns with benefits found in modern evidence based clinical self-hypnosis. The practice includes setting a personal sankalpa, which is a resolve or intention that is specifically made while the mind is open and relaxed. A sankalpa is a short phrase or sentence, clearly and concisely expressed, using the same wording each time, to bring about a positive change in one's life (Experience this at the upcoming course ‘Relaxation techniques for better sleep ).
3. Taking risks, taking action, and a growth mindset
Setting an intention without action, will not bring us better wellbeing. Most of us want a better life for ourselves but we don’t take action because we think we can’t do it, or that it won’t work out. Many of us catch up with friends to talk things over and sooth out our anxieties and dissatisfaction with our life. Or we gloss things over and sugar coat things and post pretty pictures on Instagram to make our life seem better than it really is. We talk about other people’s faults, whilst not actually taking action ourselves.
Healthy achievement and growth is not about striving for excellence, but rather we take a leap of faith, make mistakes and we know we can learn and get better. We are less worried about comparing our achievements to others because we know the only person, we can compare ourselves to is our self. We don’t worry about getting it right, we know we have to just get started.
Embracing a growth mindset means we understand that the talents abilities strengths and skills that we are born with are just the starting point. You can grow and evolve and get better. We just have to start. Clarity comes more from action, less from thought.
And, from my experience with taking a few leaps of faith in my own life, I can honestly say it never feels like the right time to change! What I have learnt is to start before I feel ready. I just know that deep inside of me I have it within me to work it out as I go. After all – this is why we are all here. …to evolve and grow.
“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.” Seneca
Learn more about how to live with freedom and fulfillment at one of the upcoming courses, retreats and offerings at Heart and Mind Yoga Studio Christchurch.
Jo Jarden is a certified personal trainer and yoga teacher in Christchurch New Zealand and the founder of Heart and Mind Yoga studio. She has 10 years experience in health promotion in New Zealand and Australia including management and promotion of national chronic disease prevention programs. She now helps people one on one with their wellbeing through yoga teaching, personal training, workplace yoga and wellbeing workshops.
Qualifications include: Certified Yoga Teacher Santosha Yoga Institute, Registered Australian Yoga Alliance 2017
Certificate in Advanced Personal Training, Fit College New Zealand, 2016
Bachelor of Science with Honours Public Health. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2006
Bachelor of Arts Mass Communication and Psychology. University of Canterbury, New Zealand 2005